Summer is here for sure now. Most days we have around 30 degrees and at lunch time when the sun is at its hottest we hide behind the curtains with the air conditioning on. This is when I wish their dad was still here. He is way more entertaining than I am and more full of life. I am so boring these days…I don’t even do that much crafting with the girls anymore.

I was getting there a couple of months ago just after my gallbladder operation. I think I was slightly happier than usual and was even starting to look after myself – regular trips to the salon for manicure and pedicure and to epilate. But then I found out about my thyroid problems and the nodules I have on it’s left side. Since then…I feel so under the weather. Not depressed but still. Waiting for the blood tests to see if there’s no sig of cancer was terrible. Thank God the blood tests were ok but the nodules are still there and I still have to take medication for them…every single day of my life. Now all I have left to do is continue to fight for my health and to lose weight…Argh lose this bloody weight that everybody is so judgemental about…Don’t they know that behind it there’s a person that still feels and hurts? Don’t they know that I am still human although I am not like most of the people out there? Don’t they know that if I could I would be thinner?

girls

I hate to complain but unlike other people life for me is just a tiny bit harder. Although I have my parents around me there’s nobody there when I want to take a breather most of the time. I don’t know what it means to have alone time (unless is late at night when I am exhausted) or me time… I wish I could just have somewhere to go and just be by myself at least an hour every day…walk, exercise, read whatever…

My life is reduced to parenting and trying ti earn a living so when I don’t parent I work. I need to find time for myself though. I desperately need to start looking after myself as well…I just wish…I just wish…I had a tiny bit more support from people around me. So instead of handing me a beer or a plate of food why don’t you just give me that hour I need? I guess is hard for my parents to think so totally different…how could they if they don’t know how?

If only my husband was here to support my struggles…This May we “celebrated” 3 years since my girls and I moved back home which means that I’ve been in a single married life for longer than I thought I would be…

Three years that demonstrated that sometimes I can be stronger than I ever thought I would be…sometimes. Three years that demonstrated me that life in my small home town is exactly how I remember – sometimes happy sometimes so annoying and exhausting…Sometimes I wish I could walk around without people notice me…but…living in a small town means that almost everybody knows you.

Three years that demonstrated that motherhood and single handed parenting is so full of struggles…more than I could ever imagine. Three years I would never give back or change…I love spending time with the girls, seeing them grow and watch their every step…Although like any other parent I get upset sometimes.

I am so strong when it comes to my girls but so weak when it comes to taking decisions and acting about myself…Why? Why can’t I just get up and change?

I really didn’t know where this post was going when I started to write it…so forgive me if its not the kind of post you usually find here…I hope you forgive me and if you have a piece of advice for me it will be strongly appreciated.


 

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