A while ago I wrote a post named Being Me… I was writing about my weaknesses…or maybe I should say that I was talking about things that do not make me the perfect woman… Today I feel even more like this. Today I feel like I am under a pile of rocks and nothing or nobody will make me come out from under there… I want to be alone but loved at the same time?!? Why do I think like this? Why can’t I just look at the good stuff in my life? Why can’t I appreciate who I am?
I don’t like myself at all. I find all to be a struggle and a burden… My head is spinning and feel so tired.. tired of life tired of humanity tired of words and apologizes tired of me… Who am I besides being a mum, wife, sister and daughter? Why do I always feel like I need to please everybody? I need to please my boss at work by being a good employee and I need to please my family by being the best mum , wife, daughter… I need to be nice and calm but sometimes I feel like screaming!!! I want everybody to take me as I am even though sometimes I am hard to understand or go along with! Even though sometimes I know that I might say things that I probably do not believe or say them out of anger! Why people just don’t want to take other people as they are and stop trying to change them?!? first of all I want to please myself but the world puts up the standards so high! You have to be perfect for people to like you and to respect you!
I want to be loved for who I am! World stop trying to change me!
I love being a mum more than anything in the world! I love getting hugs and kisses from my lil’ daughter! I love being married with a man that I love to bits! But I hate being trapped in a world that doesn’t understand me!
Problem is .. how can the world understand me if I can’t understand myself? I don’t know myself anymore! I use to be fun to hang out with! Or at least this is what I thought my friends were thinking about me…. Or maybe at that point I just didn’t care and just go along with my life…maybe this is the answer…maybe the answer is to stop thinking and analyzing everything..every word every look…. NO! I actually remember that some of my friends use to tell me that I am paranoid when I used to ask certain questions! Maybe all this was in me since I start breading and right now all just came out!
I know I try to please to much! I know that because I try to please others I put myself on the side! Even when I go shopping I feel guilty! Why? Why I just can’t like myself?!? Oh well….
How do I start? Where could I start to love myself or at least like myself again? What should I do? Where I should go? I am afraid to talk with somebody because I am afraid that I will be judged! I am afraid that they will say “Stop talking nonsense!” Well it is not nonsense for me and I hope that a day will come when this will be all nonsense !!!