I am not even sure what to say… I feel emotional , enthusiast and i am scared at the same time….
If you read my blog previously you will know that i suffer of depression. I am not even sure if it is postnatal depression (because i had a traumatic kind of birth – after 44 hours of labour i was taken for an emergency c-section because baby was in distress and i was very tired didn’t sleep at all during my labour), postraumatic depression (same as before plus a traumatic episode in my adolescence) or just a clinic depression?!?! To tell you the truth i am not even sure which one is which and why they are not just calling it depression??
Anyway i know that i have some form of depression and that i am no longer taking any medication what so ever! I used to take Citalopram for like a year but medication make me feel really drowsy and sleepy. I felt no desire in doing anything and all i wanted to do all day was to sleep. I didn’t feel anything what so ever…i had no desire in making love to my husband(sorry for being so opened) or for playing with my daughter(which hurts even more than the first). So i stopped!
But then…as before i was taking the medication-i started to feel everything! Sometimes i feel like crying all the time, sometimes i am so upset and crrying that i just scream the place out! The worse thing about not taking the medication now is the fact that 90% of the time i hate myself! I hate the way i look, i hate the way i am and i hate the way i feel. If i could lock myself in a room just to be with myself i would do it! It might sound selfish to my readers…but is not to protect mysef…it feels like i have to do it just to protect others from me.
I am here alone in my living room and it feels so calm and lonely…but it feels good…
My hubby often says: “Why are you so sad and unhappy? You should be happy. We have a great relashionship and a great family”. And then he says -“I am happy”
Unfortunatelly for me is not so simple. In London is just the 3 of us. There’s no life as a couple as when we are toghether my daughter is always with us. We take turns to go out…and we spend a couple of hours in the evening toghether every evening if we are at home at the same time…
It might worry you the way i feel but i stopped my pills because i couldn’t go on knowing that i am going to sleep through my baby’s childhood. I had to do something and one of the things was to try and acknowledge my feelings and find the healing inside me.
Unfortunatelly now almost 6 months later i feel worse and worse so i’ve taken a different decision. A decision that will cost me more than my medication but hopefully that will help me.
Starting tomorrow i am going to see a therapist. She is not like any other psychiatrist. This lady is a life couch and she is going to help me mentally and phisically! I hope anyway….
As i was/am fighting with my illnees one of the bad things about it is the fact that i am eating or binge eating when i am down and frightened of the world. She apparently is a specialist in weight loss life couching and psychology. One of my friends recommend this lady to me so i am really hoping she will help.
The fact that i am going to see her tomorrow dissapoints me as much as it makes me happy. I feel dissapointed because i was unable to get myself up from the place i am in. I am happy because maybe this will mean that i will get my old self back. That i will be again bubbly and funny and that i will have confidence to speak to the world and not only via blogging.
Don’t get me wrong i love blogging and mostly i love the fact that they are some really lovely ladies blogging out there and reading their stories and blogs helps me not feel alone. Thank you ladies!
And will let you know how it goes…