My thoughts and sorrows

About me and new hope

   I am not even sure what to say… I feel emotional , enthusiast and i am scared at the same time….

If you read my blog previously you will know that i suffer of depression. I am not even sure if it is postnatal depression (because i had a traumatic kind of birth – after 44 hours of labour i was taken for an emergency c-section because baby was in distress and i was very tired didn’t sleep at all during my labour), postraumatic depression (same as before plus a traumatic episode in my adolescence) or just a clinic depression?!?! To tell you the truth i am not even sure which one is which and why they are not just calling it depression??

Anyway i know that i have some form of depression and that i am no longer taking any medication what so ever! I used to take Citalopram for like a year but medication make me feel really drowsy and sleepy. I felt no desire in doing anything and all i wanted to do all day was to sleep. I didn’t feel anything what so ever…i had no desire in making love to my husband(sorry for being so opened) or for playing with my daughter(which hurts even more than the first). So i stopped!

But then…as before i was taking the medication-i started to feel everything! Sometimes i feel like crying all the time, sometimes i am so upset and crrying that i just scream the place out! The worse thing about not taking the medication now is the fact that 90% of the time i hate myself! I hate the way i look, i hate the way i am and i hate the way i feel. If i could lock myself in a room just to be with myself i would do it! It might sound selfish to my readers…but is not to protect mysef…it feels like i have to do it just to protect others from me.

I am here alone in my living room and it feels so calm and lonely…but it feels good…

My hubby often says: “Why are you so sad and unhappy? You should be happy. We have a great relashionship and a great family”. And then he says -“I am happy”
Unfortunatelly for me is not so simple. In London is just the 3 of us. There’s no life as a couple as when we are toghether my daughter is always with us. We take turns to go out…and we spend a couple of hours in the evening toghether every evening if we are at home at the same time…

It might worry you the way i feel but i stopped my pills because i couldn’t go on knowing that i am going to sleep through my baby’s childhood. I had to do something and one of the things was to try and acknowledge my feelings and find the healing inside me.

Unfortunatelly now almost 6 months later i feel worse and worse so i’ve taken a different decision. A decision that will cost me more than my medication but hopefully that will help me.

Starting tomorrow i am going to see a therapist. She is not like any other psychiatrist. This lady is a life couch and she is going to help me mentally and phisically! I hope anyway….

As i was/am fighting with my illnees one of the bad things about it is the fact that i am eating or binge eating when i am down and frightened of the world. She apparently is a specialist in weight loss life couching and psychology. One of my friends recommend this lady to me so i am really hoping she will help.

The fact that i am going to see her tomorrow dissapoints me as much as it makes me happy. I feel dissapointed because i was unable to get myself up from the place i am in. I am happy because maybe this will mean that i will get my old self back. That i will be again bubbly and funny and that i will have confidence to speak to the world and not only via blogging.

Don’t get me wrong i love blogging and mostly i love the fact that they are some really lovely ladies blogging out there and reading their stories and blogs helps me not feel alone. Thank you ladies!

                                                  And will let you know how it goes…

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12 Comments

  • MrsB @ crankymonkeys in london

    I am SO happy that you’ve found someone to help you, I am sure it’ll be a great jouney for you that will lead you to be happy and content again. I personally am on Citalopram and feel no shame in not being able to get out of depression on my own. Thankfully it’s working well for me but one day I’ll have to come off it… Looking forward to hearing updates of your journey of healing 🙂

  • Otilia

    Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am looking forward to it and i hope that will help. There is no shame in it but i feel like i am dissapointing myself by being as powerful as i used to be.

  • Mammasaurus

    Oh *hugs* I had no idea that were were depressed you always seem so lovely and chirpy on Twitter. Sorry to hear this but it’s a really great step to have arranged to see a therapist – all the best with it lovely lady xxx

  • Otilia

    Mammasaurus I think it’s my way to keep away from bad thoughts and cheer up myself. Trying to be busy all the time and look for the good things in life is what lovely Katrina taught me to do..so hopefully it will work on a long term without the bad pills I don’t want to go back too… Hugs back and thank you for your words xxxx

  • Actually Mummy

    OH good luck! YOu are doing the right thing. Therapy – if it is good therapy – works so well if you are willing to embrace it.
    Thanks for joining in with the love Mummy Blogs Showcase last week 🙂

    • Romanianmum

      Therapy worked…i think it was a weird experience never the less. it gave me a boost and weeks after i was really happy but then i came back to the old me. i think this has to be done once a week but unfortunately financially we can’t afford it. worth trying however x

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