My thoughts and sorrows

Up and down!Changes?

So…this is the first time I’m answering a BritMums post prompt. When I read the email about it I wasn’t sure if I am going to write about the changes in my life or not but somehow after the day I had today i felt that I had to do it! I just need to talk about it as otherwise I feel that I might just to the loons about it! Well I’m not even sure I am serious about it!
The prompt talks about changes in the last year but I feel like talking about changes in the last 5 years…is that wrong?
Yes the major change in my life happen 5 years ago when I got married and moved to London. It was hard to adapt as suddenly from speaking most of my day in Romanian I had to speak English all the time. Firstly with my hubby and then for work. It was hard at the beginning but I got used to it. It was easier probably because I work in a multi-language company. Not sure if that word even exist?!?
Then 2 years down the line I gave birth to my beautiful multilingual daughter! I was so happy to hold her in my arms and care for her. Again I found that difficult as no help was around besides my lovely hubby but soon I got the hang of it: breast feeding and implementing of a routine were my struggles but when I think about it now it all looks so easy! Then 9 months later I had to go back to work as we were running out of money and mentally I really needed to do have some adult conversations. Something that it wasn’t breast feeding,nappies, naps , bottle feeding and etc. you know the usual things that mummy friends are talking about. But soon enough I started to so miss that! Most of all I missed the time I use to spend with my daughter!
Even though she use to drive me crazy with her crying sometimes…but that happens so soon I learned that I wasn’t the only one that sometimes was feeling overwhelmed. All this time trying to be the perfect mother and then I had an illumination…I will never be the perfect mum! But I will always be my daughters mum and and even though I might not be perfect…I will try to be understanding, to offer my daughter everything she wishes for and to give her lots and lots of love!Well but now let’s comeback to this year! This year we start trying for a new baby! As the first time I got pregnant so fast thought it will be the same this time as well! Well…NO! And we’ve been trying and trying for almost a year now! I am anxious every time my period is due and I really hope that it will not come! I really hope that I’m going to be pregnant again! Oh…I really miss…I really miss being a full time mummy! Somehow the fact that I work and the fact that I’m away from my little one 10 hours a day somehow doesn’t qualify me to be a full and complete MUM! Is it wrong for me to feel that?!?
A few weeks ago when I was on holiday work announced me that we will have some staff cuts at work…then I went through all the feelings in the world…anger,fear,scare, that I might lose my job…but then hope came into it! Somehow I was hoping that I will be left without o job! Part of me anyway! I was hoping that maybe this will push me to actually try and change something in my life! Try and find a part time job or maybe move back home to Romania and spend more time with my daughter and with my mum and dad! But that I mean working part time will not work because we need the money so I need a full time job and going home will not work as we have no arrange future there yet. If I will move It will just be me and boogie and daddy will have to stay and earn money in his home country England! You see that will not be right! It will just not be right for my boogie! It might mean that if we do the move and sacrifice in a couple of years we will be back together and have the perfect life we’ve been talking about! But I am just not ready yet…
Since we were left so few at work…it’s busier and busier! Now I work in the centre and I hate the crowd of people there! Keep thinking that I should think about it as a good thing…I still have a job and my bosses really appreciate what I do; i am learning new interesting things that will probably help me later to find a better and more paid job! Who know?!? Today I had I hard day, tomorrow it might be better…but I still find it hard get out of this circle of self in-satisfaction?!
Why can I not just make the changes that will probably make me happier forever?!?
But life is a struggle so I guess I will somehow and someday get use to it!

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6 Comments

  • Otilia

    Thank you hun. It is hard and working in the centre is even harder as i never know if i will make it and get to nursery in time…but well…to work 4 days a week it will have to be a different place of work…which might be a bit harder to find…

  • helloitsgemma

    gosh what a roller coaster, lesser women would have given up a long time ago. Well done you for continually adapting to all this change and facing it all head on.
    Hope work gets better – best wishes to you.

  • Mummy Mishaps aka Jenny Paulin

    what a lot of cages you have been through over the last 5 years!! you have coped so well and i hope you can sort out your work vs life balance and that very soon you will fall pregnant . as they say, good things come to this who wait and i think you definitely deserve some good and happy news. good luck xx

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