Loo loo land or something like that!

Some days days are better than others. Some days are worse than others….. Today was one of the bad days.
This year I was very happy for about 6 days…and really sad today. Today I had a meltdown. Today could be described like the life of a person with a bipolar disorder. I woke up quite angry and just couldn’t help myself. I was very nasty with hubby and boogie. Then I refused to go to boogie’s swim class and excused myself by saying that I want to clean up : “Cant you see this house is a mess? After they left I had a meltdown and cried. I cried a lot and couldn’t understand why….
Most of the times I don’t understand why I cry and go so fast from one extreme to e other!
While they were away I cleaned up. Put the Christmas decorations away and recycled all the Christmas cards. I even cooked lunch and couldn’t wait for my dearest family to come back home. But the during lunch I got annoyed with boogie as she didn’t want to it! You see daddy gave her some chocolate just before lunch. I became so angry! And of course took it on my husband! I screamed and said nasty words. It was like the thoughts were running through my mind! Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like you can’t control what you are feeling and what you are saying? It’s so awful!
Of course as soon as I calmed down I started crying again in my hubby’s arms! I felt like I wanted to hide somewhere where nobody could find me! I wished I was small and invisible. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and sorry. I hope this will stop and my daughter will never remember the crazy mother! She cuddle me lots! She knows I love her but…something like this can transform later in a person like me. I’m sure of hat. I’m sure because I remember that sometimes my mum use to be like this… But this is another story… I really need to find the reasons why I am like this. I’m scarce that if I’m right and I am bipolar than I will have to take medication…I’m scared…and confused and I know that nobody can help me. I can only help myself and I think that this is the scary part! I don’t want to be bipolar! I think Prefer depression to that… I’m not even sure what’s the difference… I’m confused and I’m afraid that If I don’t stop now I will talk even more nonsense!
Phew! I hope the bad was only today and that tomorrow will be better!

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  • MrsB @ crankymonkeys in london

    I had a few melt downs like that… It’s what made me realise that loosing control like that over your actions is not ok… I am very happy that I’m on medication for the time being, it lets me be in control again. I think it’s time for you to have another chat with your doctor as to what would be the options of help for you. You deserve happiness 🙂

  • Otilia

    Oh Mrs I think you are right. I think I’m going to change the doctor though…. I don’t want to be on Citalopram again…it make me feel a bit too tired… Sometimes I feel like I should lock myself into a mental institution….

  • Katie Vyktoriah (Snugglebubby)

    I think you are worrying too much about the possibility of being bipolar. I used to think I was, as I would have some VERY extreme anger and sadness issues. In November 2009, I took 3 months worth of Citalopram and tried to kill myself. I was lucky that I survived, and only two months later, I met Mark and started our life together. The truth is that if you were bipolar, you wouldn’t JUST have extreme negative emotions. You’d also have EXTREME happiness.

    After I was hospitalised, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This was after YEARS of having these same problems. And it was only after this diagnosis that things started to make sense. This isn’t something that should be treated with medication, as it doesn’t really help. Therapy is the only real treatment, and that can come in many forms.

    Perhaps you have a similar issue? Here’s a link to the condition: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

    I don’t know if you have any of the other issues it mentions, but for me, it is spot on.

    I hope you get whatever help you need to overcome your upsets. You definitely deserve to be happy and feel in control.. 🙂

    (Sorry for rambling!)

  • Otilia

    Oh Katie thank you so much for taking the time to write me. You are right I have more sad moments rather than happy moments. I had a hard weekend and sometimes I am afraid I will do something that will hurt me and my family. The only thing that stops me is my family and the love I have for my daughter. I remember hearing about the Border Personality Disorder when I watched Girl,Interrupted with Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie. I will have a look. Should I talk with my GP about it? What therapy are you using Katie? I tried but it is a bit too expensive to o on it privately…
    Really precise your response my lovely!

  • Katie Vyktoriah (Snugglebubby)

    I think you SHOULD speak to your GP about it, but in a lot of cases, GPs aren’t familiar with mental issues other than simple depression. But he should be able to refer you to your local mental health trust, and they should be able to offer you free therapies (although there may be a long wait).

    Personally, I tried SEVERAL different therapies, both through the NHS and privately, but none of it helped me. What helped me was reading positive things and trying to apply them to my life (much like you’re doing with your words of wisdom). I also started a journal for myself called “Letters to No One.” I got a lovely hardback journal and started writing letters to people who were upsetting me. I wrote to my parents, to my partner, to celebrities and even to myself. The letters werent’ for sending, but simply to get my thoughts and feelings out. It helped me to put into words how angry I was and to be able to safely vent and blame and say whatever I wanted knowing that no one but me would read it.

    I think different things work for different people, but I think the first step would be talking to your doctor and seeing if you can get referred. You have to ask for help in order to get it.

    And if you ever need to talk, you have my email. 😀

  • Otilia

    Thank you so mcuh for your support Katie. I will take up on your idea and have an actual diary. Blogging helps but sometimes i do fear that people might judge me for anything i say. It is hard to admit that i become really angry sometimes but i do! Thank you for your support and i will contact my doctor for support again.

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