My thoughts and sorrows

Emotions…

Yesterday the Romanians everywhere celebrated “Dragobetele” and love all at the same time.Dragobetele is the romanian Valentine’s Day basically although this days is not celebrated as much as the latest one.

The tradition says that you should show love and kiss and hug on this day and that you should not cry on this day because tears will bring only bad things on the becoming months.

I cried a lot yesterday though.

I felt sad and I still feel very sad.

I am not sure if this time is just the fact that I am emotional because I am before that time of the month or because of my ongoing depression.

There are moments when I really don’t know how I feel. Scared to talk to people around me because I am worried they will not understand and just judge.

Others will say that I should not be sad as there are no reasons but inside I feel really conflicted…

Not knowing what is the right path to choose for my family, not knowing what tomorrow will bring destroys me inside a little bit every single day of my life.

I try to keep the tears away when I am with my girls but sometimes they start pouring regardless. My youngest doesn’t really understand but my eldest always comes to cuddle me, give me a kiss and to ask me “Please mummy don’t be sad…I love you!”.

It tears me apart that I cannot be a more happier mum, a mum that can offer her girls only fun and joy.

Sitting here and writing this my tears are falling still and I feel that no matter what I will do, no matter where I will be this depression will haunt me forever.

I do have good days and ok days most of the time but when days like yesterday and today hit me it takes forever to recover.

The weather doesn’t help either at the moment because it is cold and there’s no sun in sight. It makes it harder to go out and about.

Emotions are running high…

sadness

despair

angry

disappointment

questions left unanswered…are killing me bit by bit…

One thing I know will happen though soon is that my sweet little baby daughter will soon wake up and her smile and laugh will make me smile and laugh. Without my baby and her chatty eldest sister I know that my days will be more sad than happy.

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