Blog,  My thoughts and sorrows

Sadness

When the dark comes and the little souls are fast asleep I find myself just sitting on the couch we bought together and waiting. Some days I even imagine you sitting at the other end of it and chatting to me but this doesn’t happen. I’m all alone with my worries and thoughts…You are just one call away to assure me but somehow that is not enough.

When the sun is up and I am all busy the pain is not so big but when the dark comes the pain is a lot stronger. I miss you. I miss the single things we use to do together. I even miss the fights…

I feel like a whole other person when you are not by me. Like somehow I lost a part of me forever. Of course when you do come things are a lot better but not whole. The sadness and loneliness are still lingering around me even if you are here.

I’ve become stronger as the little souls that we both created from love need me to be stronger. Every day I try to compensate the love that you would give them if you were here always. It’s hard although I love them more than I could express in little words. But somehow for our first born some days the love I give her it’s not enough…she is not saying a word but I can so see it in her eyes…the sadness…the fact she is missing you too. We embrace and hold each other tight for minutes and then sometimes she confesses how bad she is missing you too…

And then I start wondering…Why? Why all this sacrifice? For a better future? Why not make the present better and more happier?

There are moments just before I wake up when I still feel like you are laying next to me asleep. First I try to reach you with my leg and I can’t find you. That’s when I try to keep my eyes really tight so I can imagine that you will come and hug me. But a little soul voice calls…and calls…so finally my eyes pop wide open…You are not there…But two little eyes are starring straight to me from her cot. She’s bouncing excited and happy that I will soon pick her up and hug and kiss her…

I struggle to leave my world behind close eyes but then I realise that more important things await me for the day…A tear is falling but quickly it transforms in a smile as our sweet little daughter hugs me.

I am a mother and that’s all.

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