Been feeling like this for a few days now and I can’t shake it off. I sat down a couple of times as I wanted to start writing because I thought that maybe writing will help me understand why I feel like this…
I should actually be happy rather than sad and heavy hearted. I successfully pasted my heretic part of my driving test with the highest score and I should just have some faith in myself but I don’t.
I feel useless and like nothing I do is done properly…Keep thinking at the practical side of the driving test and already started to feel that I might actually fail it and disappoint everybody…including myself.
Why do I put so much pressure on my self I don’t know….
It feels like theres a war going on inside of me…half of my mind says “Oh woman calm down whatever happens it happens…you will pass it at some point no matter what! Just enjoy the time you spend with your kids and be happy!”
The other half its actually a lot more pessimistic and looks at all the bad/negative things that happened this past week….failed being good and staying on a diet so no weight loss what so ever…tantrumy toddler that would just scream and scream no matter what…plus she just doesn’t want to eat whatever I give her…a 6 year old that is acting more like a 16 year old…”I hate you mummy” , “I don’t want to be with you mummy! I just want daddy” and the screams…from both of them! That topped up with a moody father (mine)….
So my pessimistic side says….”You see whatever you do it’s for nothing! You are useless and a shitty mother and you will always be!Just give up! You should just give up!”.
Not even the blogging world and blogging could save me? Somedays…I do wonder why do I keep going…blogging I mean…there are almost 5 years since I started blogging and I am still so mediocre…I will always be mediocre no matter what I will do I am afraid….
I had moments when I actually thought that I shouldn’t even bother with appearing at the practical exam…am I mad? I wish I could do something to shake this off…It might just be my depression getting worse at the moment. I don’t know.
Feeling grey…very grey…