Heavy heart

Heavy heart

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Been feeling like this for a few days now and I can’t shake it off. I sat down a couple of times as I wanted to start writing because I thought that maybe writing will help me understand why I feel like this…

I should actually be happy rather than sad and heavy hearted. I successfully pasted my heretic part of my driving test with the highest score and I should just have some faith in myself but I don’t.

I feel useless and like nothing I do is done properly…Keep thinking at the practical side of the driving test and already started to feel that I might actually fail it and disappoint everybody…including myself.

Why do I put so much pressure on my self I don’t know….

It feels like theres a war going on inside of me…half of my mind says “Oh woman calm down whatever happens it happens…you will pass it at some point no matter what! Just enjoy the time you spend with your kids and be happy!”

The other half its actually a lot more pessimistic and looks at all the bad/negative things that happened this past week….failed being good and staying on a diet so no weight loss what so ever…tantrumy toddler that would just scream and scream no matter what…plus she just doesn’t want to eat whatever I give her…a 6 year old that is acting more like a 16 year old…”I hate you mummy” , “I don’t want to be with you mummy! I just want daddy” and the screams…from both of them! That topped up with a moody father (mine)….

So my pessimistic side says….”You see whatever you do it’s for nothing! You are useless and a shitty mother and you will always be!Just give up! You should just give up!”.

Not even the blogging world and blogging could save me? Somedays…I do wonder why do I keep going…blogging I mean…there are almost 5 years since I started blogging and I am still so mediocre…I will always be mediocre no matter what I will do I am afraid….

I had moments when I actually thought that I shouldn’t even bother with appearing at the practical exam…am I mad? I wish I could do something to shake this off…It might just be my depression getting worse at the moment. I don’t know.

Feeling grey…very grey…

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25 Comments

  1. April 27, 2015 / 5:46 am

    This will be fine. SOONER than later. Sending warm hugs from the other side of the planet!

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 27, 2015 / 6:05 am

      Thank you so much for your nice words.

    • April 27, 2015 / 6:57 am

      Wow! Mediocre? I havent read your other posts as only just come across your blog but this post is NOT mediocre! I love the honesty of it, I love how it’s written and I could have written this myself at one point almost word for word. Keep blogging. Personally I thought this post was incredible. I hope the grey cloud starts to lift soon ♡

      • Otilia
        Author
        April 28, 2015 / 10:03 am

        Thank you Janine. Your words here and on twitter really helped me yesterday. Thank you so much xx

  2. April 27, 2015 / 6:06 am

    makes me feel sad that your feeling like this. Think it happens to the best of us though. I personally have days were I struggle to motivate myself and/or feel that everything and everyone is against me. I just have to step back, take 5 mins and really put into perspective what I have. I have a roof over my head, a family, a job, a blog that yes hardly no one reads but I enjoy it and my Heath. Maybe it might help to just look at what you do have then go from there 🙂
    Sending you happy thoughts
    XXXX
    Ami
    http://www.mymummyspam.blogspot.co.uk

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 27, 2015 / 6:10 am

      Oh Ami. You know I actually know all these things and it is still hard to pick myself up. I think I need some time away from everything and anything and maybe like this i will be able to appreciate what i have…

  3. April 27, 2015 / 7:38 am

    You are not mediocre, you are uniquely and brilliantly you. I hope the cloud lifts soon xx

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:06 am

      Its nothing wrong in being mediocre though if you are happy. i just thought i would be more and make a difference

  4. April 27, 2015 / 9:20 am

    Oh sweetheart I hate that are you going through this and really hope those clouds lift soon. You are not a rubbish mother, you are amazing. Don’t let the worry of a driving test drag you down either. If it makes you feel any better it took me SEVEN attempts to pass mine. Sending hugs xxx

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:10 am

      Oh thank you for your really nice words Jenny. I forget how to look after myself these days..

  5. julie
    April 27, 2015 / 1:42 pm

    Bless you I am sure you will feel happier soon there is always light at the end of a tunnel. Your toddlers tantrums will pass I know as I have had 4 toddlers all older now although my 4 year old occasionally throws one. And your eldest such a sweet thing is just taking her frustrations out on the one she loves , they say that we take it out on the closest to us, she loves you a lot . I get days like this I left a message once on one of your stories , but you do pick yourself up. I love reading your blog you are open and honest. Maybe some one could look after your little ones so you can have some alone time then have a day just you and the girls it might help. I wish I knew exactly what to say to lift you but I also know and understand that when you feel this way you have to find your own way out .

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:17 am

      I know it will pass. I know I need some time for myself but at the moment is just very hard to do it…hopefully soon but not very close…for now I struggle with myself. thank you so much for your kind comment x

  6. April 27, 2015 / 5:24 pm

    Oh Otilia I’m sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Single parenting can be isolating and hard at times. There’s nothing mediocre about you, you are a funny and wonderful woman. Look at next week as a new start and hopefully the sunshine will chase the grey clouds away form over you x

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:18 am

      yes sometimes i feel like i have no more power that i run out of strength…and then i need some time to recover. i think this is one of those times..

  7. April 27, 2015 / 5:40 pm

    You are NOT mediocre you are EPIC – and not everyone can say that. Driving is a hard one and I can totally relate – but I failed my practical test 6 times! Just remember that sometimes good things just take a little longer sometimes (not that I am saying it will take a long time). Remember if you ever want to chat on a grey day I am here.

    And did you take those photos? As they are fab x

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:19 am

      Very wise lovely! Good things take longer it is true. And yes I took those photos with my phone x thank you

  8. April 28, 2015 / 1:55 am

    So sorry to hear you are feeling like this Otilia. I hope the clouds lift for you soon. Even though you are nervous and worried about the driving, I almost wonder if passing your test will help you feel more positive, because you will have something very concrete you can feel proud of, and you will have a lot more independence. xx

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:32 am

      i don’t know. i mean i passed my theoretic and i should’ve been more happy but somehow i wasn’t …

  9. April 28, 2015 / 8:57 am

    Oh Otilia so sorry you are feeling grey, you have everythign to be hopeful for. I faield my practical test the first time, lots of people do, it is not problem and you won’t have let anyone down. Mich x

    • Otilia
      Author
      April 28, 2015 / 10:33 am

      I know Mitch. I know most people do…i feel like they are slowly lifting which is good 🙂

  10. May 1, 2015 / 8:01 pm

    Sorry to read that you are having a tough time. It is tough having kids and juggling motherhood. That back and forth in your mind is common and it takes a lot of energy. Be super kind to yourself and where you can don’t take part in your own arguments over your competence. You are who you are and you have great value.

  11. Romanian Reader
    May 12, 2015 / 9:56 am

    Came across your blog accidentally.Heard about this motherhood thing.I hear its quite traumatic -for most people.It litterally shatters lives.-).But from what I hear things DO have a magical way of coming back together later.daughters and mothers bond back together somehow.Romanian Reader

  12. Romanian Reader
    May 12, 2015 / 10:00 am

    literally

  13. June 3, 2015 / 4:29 pm

    I just have to write something in response to your heartfelt blog. I know its two months old and maybe no longer relevant but I am struck by its directness and honesty. Being able to recognise your emotional states and to write about them is to convert them into a form where they can help others. I was a psychiatrist for 30 years and often my patients strength and resilience would move me to tears. I was never remote and detached as I felt I could help the most by being in their state with them yet able to keep my own bearings. You are clearly a sensitive and passionate person and I’m afraid life is painful- we just have to find a way to bear it. Don’t let anyone tell you you are ‘depressed’ – you strike me as sad, not ill. I have been there often and it lifts – eventually.

    • Otilia
      Author
      June 4, 2015 / 6:04 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words Ian. I am very touched and I find it really reassuring. Thank you x

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