How to Stop Yelling at Your Children and Be a Better Parent
As the girls get older is getting harder to make them listen and obey without transforming myself into some kind of a growling creature. Every time I do get angry (cause let’s admit it all parents get angry and frustrated but it is about the way that they handle the situation that counts) I kind of see myself as the woman version of the Hulk.
So, I admit I do get upset and frustrated and 3 out of 10 times I find myself yelling at my gorgeous girls as they do know how to press my buttons too. As they got older, they also got wiser and better at tricking me.
I am a loud person regardless my mum would say anyway…I speak louder than other people, I am quite active and agitated when I have something important to do and I am well known for my loud laugh.
I’m quite famous actually…hahaha.
My 6 year old, my youngest Miss A is the best at pressing my buttons. She is never ready when we have to set off to go to school, she never wants to shower, eat, use the toilet, get dressed when she needs to. She is very strong willed and sometimes that makes me yell.
Yelling at your kids doesn’t make them LISTEN
But that doesn’t work. It might work with other kids but with mine…not so much…In fact it makes them even more upset.
The best thing to do to get your kids listen when you are disciplining them though is to try and not be angry.
Not very easy especially if they do not listen at that point in time. However, it takes less time to speak with them calmly than yell though.
The more you well the angrier you get and that is not good for you or for your child.
You might think they will hear you better if you scream but your goal as a parent is to make them listen which is definitely not the same thing. So do as I do – step away from your child for a minute, count to 10 or 20 (and I am not joking this actually helps), and breathe in and out with every number. It is really important to release your frustration before you even say one word to your child.
Disciplining when you’re ANGRY undermines your AUTHORITY.
I’ve come to learn something along the way… My daughters are now 6 and 9 and a half so I do have some experience.
Yelling really never worked, and kids lose respect for yelling parents.
Not only does disciplining when you’re angry undermine your authority, but you’re also teaching your child how to have loose and untamed emotions by watching you.
And that is not good right? You don’t want him to do the same when he/she will have kids. I mean I know that I learned some of my behaviour from my parents and they learned from their parents.
But this has to stop and you are the only one that can do that. If you knew exactly how to control your emotions then the yelling would not be there. After all this is what yelling actually is don’t you think?
I learned that…after a few session to a really nice psychologist lady and of course by analysing my whole life attitude.
So your goal as a parent is to teach your child how to manage their emotions and if you yell…that doesn’t teach him a great deal does it?
Yelling like a lunatic and saying hurtful things to your children can have lasting consequences. And whether they tell you or not… those words run deep.
Our YELLING is more about us and our own FRUSTRATION than about them.
Set your kids clear boundaries so they know what to expect from every day life.
Ok I am not a very strict parent. I could never be but the girls need to respect a handful of things….like always wash hands before and after dinner, always tidy your toys after you finish playing with them, never walk with your shoes around the house etc.
I know some of these are normal things but when things to not get done parents do get frustrated.
Whatever rules you might have the key to setting boundaries is to make them CONSISTENT. Kids need to know what to expect every single time.
Knowing what they can expect keeps their frustration away. So meltdowns are avoidable as well.
Children desperately need consistency to learn. Not only do they need to know what to expect, but that expectation you need shouldn’t change every day of the week.
I used to be like…”if you don’t tidy up your toys you will not watch carton for a week” or “if you don’t brush your teeth now candies will be restricted for an entire month”.
In reality, I would keep my word for a couple of days and than I will let them have whatever they will want.
Inconsistent or nonexistent consequences do nothing short of undermining our integrity and authority.
In short, they learn not to trust what we say.
Your kids need to know that they can count on you. When you fail to back up your words with actions your words will cease to mean anything.
QUICK TIP: Think and give the punishment to your child when you are not emotional.
Being firm doesn’t meant you are harsh.
Although your child might tell you are…
I mean only the other day my eldest told me that I am the worst mother in the whole world because I took her phone away from her until Christmas. Oh yes I’ve done that and I will keep my promise because I made the decision when I wasn’t angry or frustrated.
Make sure your kids are not afraid of you.
I can still hear my grandmother say “Your kids should be afraid of you, like that they will listen.
“I know this is very old fashion. However, instilling fear is never helpful. How will your kids be able to tell you everything, when they are hurt or upset if they are afraid of you?
You may feel this is beneficial when your children are small, but as they get older – they need to know you’re there for them.
Think of all the crazy things young people have to deal with in our current times. Having a parent who blows their top over every little thing will keep your child from confiding in you – when they need you and your wisdom the most.
The whole point of discipline is to teach our children what’s right and wrong. And we do this out of our love.
Discipline, done the right way, is an act of love. It’s one way we keep our kids safe.
It’s our job as parents, to shape our children’s lives in a positive way. Giving them the best possible chance at life by teaching them the proper way to conduct themselves.
TOP TIPS TO HELP YOU TO STOP YELLING AT YOUR KIDS
Give yourself a time-out
Try and catch yourself before getting so angry that you lose control and raise your voice. By stepping away from the conflict zone for a few moments, you give yourself a chance to reassess and breathe deeply, which will help you calm down.
Talk about emotions
Like I said before anger is a normal feeling if you know how to manage it properly. Teach yourself to acknowledge your emotions, your joys and excitements, your frustration and jealousy, your sadness and anger. And if you do your children will learn that all these emotions are part of our human repertoire. Talk with them about how you feel and encourage them to do the same. It will help them develop a respectful attitude towards self and others and form a healthy relationships in life.
Address bad behavior calmly, but firmly
All children misbehave every now and than. It’s all part of growing up sin’t it? Talking to them in a firm way will leave they dignity intact and makes it clear that certain behaviours are simply not tolerated.
It’s good to get down to their eye level rather than speak to them from high up or far away. Kids need to feel you close to them. Also, make sure to acknowledge respectful behavior and problem solving among themselves.
Use consequences, but leave out the threats
Using threats and punishment creates more angry feelings, resentment, and conflict. In the long run, they prevent your child from developing inner discipline.
Threats and punishment humiliate and shame children, making them feel insecure. On the other hand, consequences that address a particular behavior but come with fair warning (like taking a toy away after explaining that toys are for playing, not for hitting) help children make better choices.
Don’t beat yourself out
Sometimes even though you set yourself to be calm and stop yelling you are only human and mistakes happen. I make my own mistakes but when that happens I do acknowledge them and apologise to my babies. They now know that even adults can make mistakes. We are all human and prone to mistakes.
Do you have some tried and trusted methods for getting your kids to listen? Share them in the comments below! We’d love to hear them!
Sarah | Boo Roo and Tigger Too
Great advice. We all have our moments as the shouty mum we never wanted to be